When I was 15 years old, I got the chance to go with my team to Laguna beach for a soccer tournament. The trip quickly turned into a core memory because of the connections I had with coaches and teammates. Since then Laguna beach has been a safe haven for me that I consistently referred to as an “example of what soccer/life is all about”.

It takes roughly 14 hours to get to California from Colorado, and I honestly didn’t see the amount of hours driving as an optical. All I knew what I needed to get there, and flying wasn’t an option. What sparked my desire to travel there in the first place was a question I needed the answer to. What does my life look like if I don’t take my 5th year to play soccer? I honestly already knew what the answer was, and I think at the time everyone around me also knew the answer.

It wasn’t until I read most of Martin Hieddigar’s philosophies that I found myself unable to settle into my answer. I wasn’t going to take my 5th year. Outside of soccer I was also frustrated at how easily noise was able to effect me. I wanted to be able to settle into the decision on my own, and it felt like no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t find a sense of quiet. Quiet is exactly what I got in California, and damn did it make me uncomfortable.

Once I made it into California and make it the looooongest part of the drive into the city, I parked my car in a neighborhood (respectfully) and was faced with another question. What the hell do I want to do with my time? The question was unsettling, and made me uncomfortable. I realized I have spent a lot of time taking into consideration what other people wanted to do that I very rarely asked myself. I sat in my car for 30 minutes until I finally answered. I want to go sit on the beach and write.

I sat in a more private area, and got to witness an engagement photoshoot happen while I sat alone. Oddly enough, my appreciation for time with myself grew and suddenly the trip’s purpose shifted. I was learning how to spend time with myself and be happy with my decisions. Every single one. In light of that, I decided to lean into it.

Early on I decided to go to a few different coffee shops. At the time I thought it would be a good idea to do some work on this trip, but I realize now (2 years later) that that was so ridiculous. It makes me laugh honestly, but I digress. I didn’t like the coffee, or the coffee shops themselves which was pretty disappointing to say the least. After that I spent more time by the beach to write and think, and then made a point to take myself out to dinner.

I’d like to say that it was my idea to take myself out to dinner, but at the time I’m not sure if would’ve crossed my mind. My Ma was the one who encouraged me to go out to dinner, and sit with myself. She mentioned how nice it can be to do something that you traditional would do with someone with yourself. I leaned into the idea, and picked a restaurant that had well-reviewed sea food and cocktails. I made a reservation at sunset, and went out of my way to bring a nice outfit too.

I was grateful to be sat in the front of the restaurant, outside, and had a beautiful view of the water and the sunset that grew deep orange and yellow. I brought my journal to write more, and ordered dinner. It was a beautiful night, and one I refer to often.

Returning back home felt easier after this trip. I had settled into my decision, and more importantly had learned how to listen to myself for what felt like the first time. ‘What do I want to do’, is still a question I have a hard time answer but am dedicated to answering now more than ever and I have this trip to thank for being one the steps towards understanding how to be alone and happy.